Sunday, August 15, 2010

On my own

Hello people. I am very excited to have this opportunity to blog for 'this women's work'. I havent blogged in a very long time, because of unforseen personal circumstances. Despite being a feminist 'for lack of a better word', I found myself in a horribly abusive relationship with someone who pretended to be a good guy. I trusted in him, so when he broke my heart, the shock was so paramount that it destroyed my ability to trust myself. I really did love him, so I pretty much became catatonic. I found that I couldn't articulate myself, or that when I did speak, I sounded hysteric. it was uncomfortable to be in my skin cos I felt that everyone could see through me. Writing would have been tantamount to betraying myself. I felt that he had penetrated my inner most defenses, and I had no choice but to ignore that very fact, in order to survive cos you can't let them get to you. There are people in the world, desperate, needy and greedy for some love and affection but don't know how to treasure the very things they want the most, and instead lash out, and hurt you. It's so hard when there's a constant pressure for you to be with involved in a relationship with someone. I feel like normalized western culture believes in setting up little girls, and little boys, in 'relationship' mode with each other, from when they are tiny. It's like we are sold the story of true love and romance, so many ideas and feelings all hyped up to give us this perfection that we seek in the arms of our partners. Little girls grow up wanting their prince charming, and little boys grow up seeking their princesses. These expectations place us in boxes which map out our insides, in order to complement what we need from the outside. I mean, people look at children as young as 5 or 6 years old with fondness and delight as they talk to the opposite sex, bestowing their smiles upon them as they imagine their future with a romantic partner. It really sets up these highly sexual situations between the sexes from very little. I am here to say that this is not ok. I think that children should be allowed their purity, and that we shouldn't impose our own ideas of love, and sexuality onto them. They should be allowed to decide for themselves, to discover for themselves, and to choose for themselves. I think we set up a trap for them, we are the ones responsible for their heartbreak, the sexual violence, and the abusive situations. So many relationships are abusive and people dont know any better. Men are raised to be men, like dominant, aggresive, and headstrong, and women are raised to be caring, nurturing, and emotional. Like this sets up a power dynamic where men get to keep women down. And women are conditioned to accept it, and can't rise above because they never really expected more, that is just not the way we are raised. I hope you are following me on this rant, because I speak from personal experience. I was raised in India, which traditionally is a conservative environment where its not so much in your face. Boys and girls are treasured for their innocence, and there is no hurry to marr it. Most girls save their virginities till marriage, because they are sacred. I realize that in the west, some might consider that a hypocricy or a sham, but I was raised that way. My dad actually told me not to open my legs for anyone until I got married. I was in highschool when a boy asked me out. I told him 'no'. And then he asked me out again. I said 'no'. And then he asked me out again. This time, he called me with my best friend, who told me I was beautiful, and that I should try having a boyfriend. It was the new craze. All the girls were doing it. So I said, 'ok, i will try it.' We dated, for like two days, and we went to the movies together. I wore the ugliest sweater, cos I am kinda kooky that way. And we were in the movie. It was 'Snow falling on Cedars' and it was so boring, and the projector stopped working halfway through. We were holding hands, and I looked up at him, and I saw a huge ball of ear wax in his ear. I was so grossed out. I broke up with him the next day, asking him not to tell anyone that we dated. And then, he would always just touch me, or flirt with me without my consent. I think he tapped into my low-self esteem and I actually started feeling for him. But I still didnt want to get intimate with him. We were at the lake, when I put on my lipgloss, and I made some snarky comment about how I like the taste of it, and he started to move in for a kiss. I moved back, and he followed, i moved back some more, and I ended up with my back on the park bench. And then there was nowhere to go, and he kissed me. I certainly felt a tingle, but kept it to myself. This wasnt how I had imagined my first relationship to be like. But I was confused. I mean, wasnt the first guy who ever touched me supposed to be my husband? I had never been touched before, and the sexual feelings in me were confusing me, and i suppose so were my hormones. Yet I kept my distance. But he didnt respect that, and despite not being boyfriend-girlfriend, continued to molest me in a joking offhand manner. I guess I lost my dignity, but hid it under the guise of true love cos we ended up having sex, and being in a relationship for over 4 years. Well, I wanted it to be a relationship, but he said we were just friends with benefits. It really hurt. A lot. I thought I deserved to be treated that way, and I didnt see a way out, except with him. He also came out as gay during our time together, and dated other men, but wasnt willing to let me go, and neither was I. It was pretty destructive and I was happy to finally let it go. I wouldnt have seen the way out, if a dear gay boyfriend of his hadnt told me how wrong it was of him to be doing that to me. Except he turned out to have the hots for me too, except he was too cocky, and too mean to actually realize it, and treated me like dirt. My new found happiness and freedom lasted like a second. If it had lasted a little bit more, maybe I would have been strong enough to fight the abuse he inflicted on me. Maybe I would have walked away on my own this time. Except I didnt. And ended up way damaged, and diagnosed with psychosis. After having been to the edge twice and back, I feel like I never want to see the ocean again. That the stars shine for me. That the wind blows for me. And the sun rises for me. And that i will find my own way. And that I dont need anybody but myself. That its dangerous for girls to seek validation in the arms of their men, because they can dismantle it like we are toys. We are fine as long as we are dolls, pretty, and perfect, but they need us to be breakable, to be expendable, to be disposable in order for them to feel their manhood surge, in order for them to feel like they are the kings of the world. I think this world is really scary for girls, especially young girls, cos we are in danger of unwanted attention, lecherous men, jealousy, competion, violence, and rape. It is the least we can do to empower them, to trust themselves, to love themselves, and one another, so that they can be forewarned when it comes to men or other dangers. They need to be aware and alert always because we are undeniable, sensational, capable, and brilliant. we dont need men to stand behind or to protect us, cos we are strong enough. we are forces of nature. we are goddesses. we should band together like a pack of wild hyenas, and really just threaten and destabalize the ground that men walk on. The things they are capable of, we are just as strong to acknowledge, and stir up. We have the power. It is in our hands. I love you ladies. P.s- My name is Miz Nish, and I like kittens, lace, and cigarettes. I believe that we have the tools to create a revolution, and that the goddess would never throw anything at us that we couldnt handle. I love to riot, and create art. I think girls kissing is hot. I think that there needs to be more feminist men. And i think that you should get in touch with me at nobodys_grrrl@hotmail.com, if you want to talk about anything under the sun. :)

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